Controlling the Uncontrollable
There is so much in our lives which is out of our control, the weather for example. But when it comes to experiences and emotions, especially from other people, there is an element of fear of what might happen if we aren’t in control.
Sometimes we want a specific outcome to a situation that we think is best for us. We often believe we know what is best for us and being attached to this outcome means that we are more likely to try and exert control over the situation.
If we trust that we will be ok, no matter the outcome, then we can learn to let go of our preconceptions and open ourselves up to some amazing possibilities that never occurred to us.
Trying to be in control of any situation can be exhausting, we might activate our sympathetic nervous system, meaning our adrenaline starts pumping and our heart rates increase.
Our minds tend to shift from topic to topic, from one possible outcome to another and we start to lose concentration. It can affect our memory and we have no present-moment awareness.
When we surrender to a situation and allow events to unfold, we are much more calm and peaceful. By sitting back and experiencing the situation in the present moment, we can see more of what is going on, the bigger picture.
Funnily enough, when we try to control a situation, we often feel less in control than if we were to allow ourselves to surrender to it. we tend to get in our own way.
Deciding to Let Go
Letting go is easier said than done. Whether you're finally free from that bad relationship, or the image you had of your life that looks different from reality, free from societal expectations, or a childhood that is difficult to remember but you can’t seem to forget; the decision to let go can be followed by freedom from resentment and pain.
Letting go is a process that takes time. For example, to let go of a past hurt so you can forgive someone means making a conscious effort to release something hurtful that happened to you. We can do this by no longer holding onto negative thought patterns, anger, resentment, or pain. The concept of letting go is making an active choice to no longer suffer from something you never had control over. When we see it in this way, it becomes more freeing. When you let go of painful events, they no longer define or control your present.
Why Is Letting Go so Hard?
As humans, we’re pre-programmed to avoid danger or anyone who has proven untrustworthy. We are programmed to remember negative experiences so that we can prevent them or avoid them in the future. So forgiving someone who harmed us or letting go of a bad experience goes against our natural instincts.
Our instincts provide us with valuable information and it if often wise to listen to your instincts. But if they are stopping you from escaping your suffering by keeping you trapped in your negative emotions, then it is time to decide to let go.
As the influential teacher Ajahn Chah explained in his book Food for the Heart, when we choose not to follow the path of letting go, it is like deciding to carry a heavy rock around with us, weighing ourselves down. We don’t know what to do with the rock, so we keep carrying it around. Even if others explain the benefit of throwing away the rock, we’re still afraid to let it go. We’ve been carrying it for so long that becomes a part of us, and we continue to carry it until we get so weak and tired that we have no choice but to let it go. Only then can we finally feel at peace and recognise how physically and mentally heavy that burden was. Letting go of negative feelings and pain invites peace and the release of unresolved emotional turmoil.
When deciding to let go, working on developing self-awareness is essential. When we develop self-awareness, we are more mindful of ourselves, who we are, and how we react to life’s challenges and the people in our lives. When we aren’t self-aware, we may feel stuck in our circumstances and helpless to make changes, making it especially difficult to let go. We often place all the blame on others and have a hard time releasing what hurt us and taking accountability for our lives.
Misconceptions About Letting Go
There is a misconception that letting go means that whatever happened is done and removed from our lives. Letting go doesn’t mean it didn’t happen or allows the person who hurt you off the hook; it certainly did happen, and that person is accountable. We are aware, accepting, and conscious of what happened. We understand the effects of what took place, though it no longer stings like it used to. Instead of wishing it didn’t happen, we don’t fight against it; we acknowledge its presence and let it be how it unfolded.
Many people who have been hurt in excruciating ways learn how resilient they are through those events. They find meaning in giving back and helping those who have been through similar experiences. When we find meaning, purpose, and growth in our situation, we can reframe it and change the narrative of how it affects us, allowing us to let go and move forward.
While we don’t have control over what happens to us, we do control how we react to those events. When we let go, we focus on changing our perspective and what we can control. We feel hopeless and powerless when we focus on changing what we can’t. By shifting that focus, we regain power and release ourselves from an emotional prison.
Tips for Letting Go
1. Create a positive mantra to counter the painful thoughts
How you talk to yourself can either move you forward or keep you stuck. Often, having a mantra for times of emotional pain can help you reframe your thoughts.
For example, says clinical psychologist Carla Manly, PhD, instead of getting stuck in, “I can’t believe this happened to me!” try a positive mantra such as, “I am fortunate to be able to find a new path in life — one that is good for me.”
2. Create physical distance
According to clinical psychologist Ramani Durvasula, PhD, explains that “Creating physical or psychological distance between ourselves and the person or situation can help with letting go for the simple reason that we are not having to think about it, process it, or being reminded of it as much”.
3. Do your own work
Focusing on yourself is important and finding what works for you will make the process easier. You have to make the choice to address the hurt that you’ve experienced. When you think about a person who caused you pain, bring yourself back to the present. Then, focus on something that you’re grateful for.
4. Practice mindfulness
The more we can bring our focus to the present moment, the less impact our past or future has on us.
When we start practicing being present, our hurts have less control over us, and we have more freedom to choose how we want to respond to our lives.
5. Be gentle with yourself
If your first response to not being able to let go of a painful situation is to criticise yourself, then it’s time to show yourself some kindness and compassion.
By treating ourselves like we would treat a friend, offering ourselves self-compassion, and avoiding comparisons between our journey and those of others, we can stop blaming ourselves for our feelings.
6. Allow the negative emotions to flow
If your fear of feeling negative emotions is causing you to avoid them, you’re not alone. Many times, people are afraid of feelings such as grief, anger, disappointment, or sadness.
Rather than feeling them, people just try to shut them out, which can disrupt the process of letting go. These negative emotions are like riptides, let them flow out of you. It may require mental health intervention, but fighting them can leave you stuck”.
7. Accept that the other person may not apologise
Waiting for an apology from the person who hurt you will slow down the process of letting go. If you’re experiencing hurt and pain, it’s important you take care of your own healing, which may mean accepting that the person who hurt you is never going to apologise.
8. Engage in self-care
When we are hurting, it often feels like there is nothing but hurt. Practicing self-care can look like setting boundaries, saying no, doing the things that bring us joy and comfort, and listening to our own needs first.
The more we can implement self-care into our daily lives, the more empowered we are and our hurts don’t feel as overwhelming.
9. Surround yourself with people who fill you up
We can’t do life alone, and we can’t expect to get through our hurts alone, either. Allowing ourselves to lean on safe loved ones is a wonderful way of not only limiting isolation but of reminding us of the good that is in our lives.
10. Give yourself permission to talk about it
When you’re dealing with painful feelings or a situation that hurt you, it’s important to give yourself permission to talk about it.
Sometimes people can’t let go because they feel they aren’t allowed to talk about it. This may be because the people around them no longer want to hear about it or the person is embarrassed or ashamed to keep talking about it.
But talking is important. If you can’t find a friend who is patient and accepting, then seek out a therapist.
11. Give yourself permission to forgive
Since waiting for the other person to apologise can stall the process of letting go, you may have to work on your own forgiveness.
Forgiveness is vital to the healing process because it allows you to let go of anger, guilt, shame, sadness, or any other feeling you may be experiencing and move on.
12. Seek professional help
If you struggle to let go of a painful experience, you may benefit from talking to a professional. It may be difficult to implement these tips on your own, and an experienced professional can help guide you through the process.