What is the difference?
Guilt: a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offence, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.
Shame: the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonourable, improper, ridiculous, etc., done by oneself or another.
Although many people use these two words interchangeably, from a psychological perspective, they actually refer to different experiences. Guilt and shame sometimes go hand in hand.
The same action may elicit feelings of both shame and guilt, where the former reflects how we feel about ourselves and the latter involves an awareness that our actions have injured someone else. In simple terms, shame relates to self, guilt to others. It can be useful to preserve this distinction because in certain situations, one may be transformative and the other, destructive.
Sigmund Freud, on of the founders of modern psychology in the early 20th century, argued that guilt and shame were strongly attached to anxiety. Guilt was a form of anxiety, while shame was a result of anxiety.
According to Freud, the human psyche as an entity comprised of three components:
1. The Id, controls our basic visceral urges and desires.
2. The Ego, manages the relationship between the Id (which can be more selfish and idealistic) and the Superego.
3. The Superego, is split into two parts, the ideal self and the conscience. This part of ourselves metes out both punishment and reward (for example, "I am good, I did the right thing," or "I made a mistake, and I do not embody my own standards.").
Together, the Id, Ego, and Superego manage the day-to-day functioning of a human being by striking a balance between desire, societal expectations, and the individual’s perceived standards of goodness.
When we feel shame or guilt, our Superego will analyse the feelings in relation to our sense of self, and our ego will try to manage the emotional response of anger or sadness, expressed by the Id. If these feelings are left unchecked, we can set ourselves down a very self-destructive path.
Guilt
In a psychological context, guilt can be considered the more proactive emotional response to an occurrence or action taken. It pushes a person to look beyond themselves and consider how their behaviour may have influenced others.
There are three main types of guilt:
Reactive guilt occurs when there is a negative impact or consequence to a person acting in a certain way, and the person may come across in that situation as being unkind or rude, for example. The guilt they feel is the result of their actions.
Anticipatory guilt occurs when an person knows that there may be negative consequences to an action that they intend to commit.
Existential guilt relates to a person’s relationship with their life potential and the context in which they live, or intend to live their life. It can also relate to choices they didn’t make and the life path they didn’t follow.
Shame
Shame relates to how a person feels about their behaviour. Anger is more likely to be felt alongside shame.
There are four main types of shame:
Unrequited love can be romantic or familial, and elicits feelings of yearning for a more complete love. Rejection can result in intense feelings of shame, and those who experienced rejected love by their parents may carry this shame with them for many years.
Unwanted exposure happens when people draw attention to themselves in an unexpected way, such as when they fall over, spill something or arrive late to an event.
Disappointed expectation is the feeling that occurs when a goal or plan is not met or does not come to fruition, or when a friendship or relationship does not turnout the way we hoped.
Exclusion is a difficult experience that often generates feelings of shame when we are excluded from social groups or events, as we need social connection and relationships with others.
Shame Resilience
There are strong connections between shame and challenges people face, such as bullying, drug and alcohol abuse, eating disorders and suicide. No matter who we were, we will always experience feelings of shame at one time or another. While we cannot rid ourselves of these feelings entirely, we can learn skills to help us become more shame resilient.
Some people may use shame as a weapon in an attempt to keep others in their place by making them feel unworthy of love and belonging.
Brené Brown, Ph.D., internationally-renowned author and research professor at the University of Houston Graduate School of Social Work, has identified four key elements of shame resilience:
Being able to recognise, name and understand our shame triggers.
Developing critical awareness about these triggers and understanding our own shame webs.
Being willing to reach out to others instead of hiding and isolating ourselves, which can exacerbate negative feelings.
Being able to speak about our experiences of shame with those who provide a safe space to share.
Shame often goes hand in had with strong emotions like fear, blame, rage and despair. With these feelings, we may lose perspective about ourselves and our lives, which can be very destructive.
Practicing shame resilience moves us towards connection, compassion and empathy, which are essential to our physical and emotional health and well-being.
These skills can help us release any shame we've been carrying over time and allow us to treat ourselves with loving-kindness when we make a mistake.